ARKHAM, MA – When asked about his Vaccine(s) at his Vaccination Centre, Dr. Jonathan Crane dismissed the claim that fear was being spread to push for COVID vaccinations.
“Nonsense,” said Dr. Crane, “Who would spread fear in order to improve help,” he went on, “I took a Hippocratic Oath, you think they’d just let anyone have syringe fingers?”
Dr. Crane, who was appointed by Dr. Fauci as a local Federal Health Official, rejects the notion that he must be a virologist to understand the issue, “I am a psychiatrist, I was asked about fear, that’s my subject I am an expert in.”
Many have appreciated his services since he can offer them one vaccine per finger.
“Not sure why they’d think I’d use fear mongering, is this what people think of me?,” asked Dr. Crane, “must be some Q conspiracy.”
WHITEHOUSE, WASHINGTON, DC – Joe Biden and dating company Unhinge have come up with a plan to change dating apps all over.
Much like Grindr and PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis), medicine people at risk for HIV take to prevent getting HIV. Truvada and Descovy, possibly a pun about stories about David Duchovny.
Well Big Pharma have new thing for people trying to get hitched, called a Jab, and Joe Biden is on the front line making sure people engaging in Dangerous rampant sexual habits are treated in a similar way for people breathing air.
No only have Biden and Unhinge been able to hammer out a feature in the app asking you for personal medical information about vaccinations, it also requires you to check off how your hair smells, especially when in fear.
It can be a sure thing that anyone using this feature will be constant fear, and the app will be able to analyze this, down to your hair’s smell, transferring the data straight to the Whitehouse.
Biden has said he won’t rest till he gets a little prick in anyone, whether they like it or not.
UNDESCLOSEDJESUITMEETINGPLACE, FRANCE – The Black Pope, Arturo Sosa, announced his orders that would go through Pope Francis and through him to the “End the Protest” Conferences, Present and Future.
A new blockchain based Holy Host will be the new Host, the new symbol of Transubstantiation in communion with Jesus during COVID.
“It will be based on the Mammon token,” said Sosa, “and all who wish to receive must view on online missions and masses.” A progress beyond the mentality of Jesus to heal the sick, touching lepers, and other things deemed “unsafe” by modern Government Health Orders.
Sosa, French Religious Minister, said “The Government knew best in the Bible, after all they killed our beloved Jesus to save us for doing that.”
Churches and Missions around the world that give communion plan on presenting this new host as soon as possible.
CENSOREDLOCATION, ON – Canadian Heritage Minister Steven Guilbeault announced brand new criminal prosecution powers. The powers would give the CRTC full power to prosecute anyone for making fun of his hair cut.
“I am willing to open the death penalty to this,” Minister Guilbeault said, “It hurts my feelings, so it’s unCanadian!”
Guilbeault is referring to people asking if it’s a Toupee, “what died on your head,” and “did you just glue sable brush tips on your head.”
Also “sure that just isn’t a good paint job.”
Minister Guilbeault, literally crying about what he calls, “all the twitter hate,” claiming he paid good money for this hair and somehow he “thought it was cool.” Claimed Bill C-10 is protecting people from having their politicians criticized, something he knows hurts many freedoms.
Exemptions do include non-Elected Politicians, People Not In The Privy Council and Parties without MPs. This worrying some Conservatives, who, do to O’Toole’s leadership, may not have any sitting as Conservatives for long aside from O’Toole.
CLOUDCALL, BC – In a sweeping victory Thomas Dewey has won the BC Libertarian Leadership Race on May 1st. A staggering 7 days before the Annual General Meeting where members intend to vote.
The story broke by the brilliant researching skills of the Georgia Straight newsroom.
Not even concerned about the current leadership status, they reported with great due diligence blog out what use to be a effort strung out over a few days.
No one is sure why the late and very dead Republican got the nod, but some sources close to his grave say that he ran a stronger campaign than opponents Gölök Z Buday and Keith MacIntyre.
So far he stands as the most lively leader among registered parties.
SCHADENFREUDE, DE – The, mostly peaceful, Green Party of Germany had invited delegates from Green Parties and other Environmental Parties and organization, including the Sierra Club and the what is left of the Ku Klux Klan.
They discussed plans for a Green New Deal, to create a greener planet. The main target, The Oceans.
“The Planet has been blue long enough!,” said keynote speaker Greta Thunberg, “We need a Green Planet.”
The conference ended on a solution. One that would forever change the planet.
Accelerating the reproduction rates of algae making all water rich in it.
“We cannot have a green new deal taken seriously on a blue planet,” said the crowd in creepy unison.
Green New Deals are expected to be printed and sent back to the delegate’s groups accordingly to create new environmental law.
ST. LAURENT, QUEBEC – Montreal Mayor, Valerie Plante, announced a new multi-stage Rapid Transit plan, that should solve some problems during COVID. “We have begun construction in St. Laurent, the train will go somewhere,” said Plante, “If no one says anything, we’ll expand it farther and farther.”
The locals will be expected to take this train and go where it takes them and here is the thing, it’s free. “It will cost the riders nothing,” said Plante, “first free Transit in Canada.”
She says this is the final solution to both the COVID troubles and Transit issues. When asked how this will solve COVID, she said, “The train also cleanses the neighborhood.” When the stringer asked her if it was like a street sweeper she said “Something like that.”
BINGOGATEFLATS, FARNWORTHESTATES, BC – High Supreme Lord Minister Mike Farnworth praised the VPD for catching people smuggling COVID19 for clearly intentional Super Spreading.
His Majesty said, “These COVIDIOTS will not make anyone sick today,” he went on “The filthy peasants are locked up, and the COVID19 has been confiscated.” In a speech made in front of a convoy with trucks clearly labeled in Mandarin saying “Fentanyl Here.”
Claims by the Mayor of Vancouver were that the shipment manifest showed many orders from “The Corduroy.”
The restaurant owner claimed was not available for comment, however if you believe anyone outside independent media sent so much as a stringer to speak to her, good for you.
Anonymous Twitter Bots and Accounts all over the World are praising the restrictions, but outraged that they have not gone far enough.
LOSHUBVEGAS – In surprising turn Andrew Torba won the AVN Award for Best Pornographic Web Platform. Something Jack Dorsey expected to win by a landslide.
Why did he win, no one is sure, but some claim there was a large over 200 thousand donation to the awarding organization, but we weren’t in the mood it investigate.
“I am so surprised and excited to finally win this esteemed award,” Torba said on a Zoomcast, “This is the beginning of more great things to come.”
Other surprise awards won recently was AOC at Mensa’s Brain of the Year. Dean Takahashi (Venture Beat) got the Game Player of the Decade Award. CNN got an Award for Journalistic Integrity.
KEREMEOS, BC – In a further attempt to explain why her business is essential, Dr. Bonnie Henry, at a Press Conference, declared Clos Du Soleil Wines a cure for COVID19.
“It has Sun in it’s name,” explaining the meaning of Soleil, so it must have Vitamin D in it, “Of course there is no Science to it.”
The Wines, oddly enough fitted with Deco Labels from Ontario, and their saved labels will also double as Vaccine Passports.
“If you want to pass through travel check points,” she said, “you will need to have a bottle or label in the car.”
Exceptions to lockdowns may also be extended to restaurants that exclusively carry Clos Du Soleil.
John Horgan jumped in saying, “I may not like Capitalism but I know what I like.”
Church Service may also be required to use the Keremeos wine in order to have indoor Mass. In the near future.
FLYOVA, WI – Our stringer sat with a Conservative, Ty Tuss, and learned these fascinating things by the fine constitutional scholar.
Stringer: So, do you think George Floyd actually knowingly traded a bad 20 dollar bill?
TT: Fuck Yes!
Stringer: How?
TT: He was accused of it, that’s how, the Shop Keeper said so.
Stringer: How do you know the shop keep didn’t see a perfect mark in a drugged up guy tripping balls and didn’t swap his bad money up?
TT: Because the cops came to arrest Floyd, he must be guilty.
Stringer: So how do you know this money hadn’t traveled person to person like a hot potato?
TT: Again, because the cops came, why would they lazily arrest someone without investigating?
Stringer: Well let’s move on.
TT: Okay, I’ll happily keep winning!
Stringer: Daunte Wright, so he was wanted for a Robbery, Gun Charge, and Air Freshener.
TT: Yeah, you need to be careful of those Air Fresheners, they can be dangerous in the wrong hands.
Stringer: I’ll just move on, what about the Robbery, he left without money and had a gun, how do you know it was a Robbery?
TT: Because the cops said so, because they shot him. They don’t kill innocent people.
Stringer: Okay and….
TT: Wait, about Floyd, he spent time in jail for holding a gun at Pregnant Woman.
Stringer: He was released, double jeopardy, did Chauvin have a right to put his life in Jeopardy for that reason?
TT: Yeah, the Legislature failed to make a proper sentence for his crime.
Stringer: Oh, so Chauvin fixed your inability to complain to a State Representative?
TT: Yes!
Stringer: Back to Wright, so if there was no Robbery, how about the gun?
TT: Well I am pro 2a, however the cops recognized he was a danger, and therefore had to consider that certain gun owners are a threat even if they haven’t been proven guilty of anything.
Stringer: So you believe this.
Stringer: Lets move on to Supreme Court Judge Kavanaugh…..
TT: Hey, no cop killed him, he has a right to due process.
So in conclusion, if you are not killed by a cop, you are innocent til proven guilty and totally protected by the bill of rights, according to this Constitutional Scholar, and if your dead, well tough luck, your guilty.
OTTAWA, ON – Erin O’Toole stood up in great stature and statesmanship praising all of the Justin Trudeau’s Goals, during question period, except one thing.
“Mr. Speaker,” said the principled Conservative, “Trudeau makes some sense, however I will not abide his words.” “There is no need for the Heritage Minister to regulate companies in order to “remove hate speech,” they could simply “extricate harmful speech.”
He furthered his demands that “Tax Increase,” be “Hightened Re-Allocation Of Personal Funds,” and “Subsidized Daycare” to “Aided Unaborted Fetal Domes.”
He took great exception to 18B for Indigenous Communities, saying it should be 18 Billion for Native Hereditary Rule. Conservatives historically most fond of Hereditary Rule.
When the $15/h Dollar Minimum Wage came up he was livid and demanded a $30 per 2h Dollar Minimum Employee Labor Fee.
He insisted that Green Recovery lacked inclusivity about Blue Oceans and Brown Soil.
When Broadband Fund came up, he was rather angry and said it should be called “Funding For Female Vocalists.” He was absolutely shocked at the lack of Liberal tact, like it was known for Joplin antics or something.
Wanted them to institute a tithe not a tax on foreign owned empty properties.
O’Toole said he just can’t support anything he agrees with this much, when the wrong phrasing is used and said it was a “Steadfast Principle With Him.”
FROSTBITEFALLS, MI – On April 16th, Bullwinkle Moose was pulled over by a police officer at 10 PM MN time. Officer Boris Badenov, pulled him over and asked him to get out. While fellow Officer Natasha Fatale was on watch, with an arm.
“Moose asked if what he do,” said Badenov, “I say come out and I tell.” He continued to say in he was slow and unhelpful and seemingly very confused as Officer Fatale shot him dead yelling, “Explosive Box” several times.
Frostbite rules of engagement only permits use of silly explosive items in reaction to refuting the police presumption of unlimited authority.
This morning on April 17th, a peaceful protest of molotov cocktales and silly explosive devises, even scrooch guns ensued. Resulting a burning down of buildings everywhere including small business’ paying reparations in TVs and Blue Ray players.
When asked about a rioter hanging a Mr. Peabody, about the shooting, the young white male said, “What cop, what shooting, who’s Bullwinkle?”
Rocky his long time friend and Upsidaisium Dealer, made a statement wishing for peace.
Badenov has been arrested. When asking another rioter, if this helps them ease up on a the protest, the white male said, “Ehhh…who’s that, and how does that help me decide on which Television I want?”
WHO, CHINA – In a world wide outcry for keeping working facilities pure and clean of the wrong ideas, and given the over flow in hospitals expected, a new policy has been in place during COVID.
Firing any employee who holds the wrong opinions.
“I don’t know what I did,” said Hugh Dix a BC Urologist and Kidney Stone expert, “all I said this COVID policy was a little crazy.”
“All I did was wear a red hat,” said Toronto Nurse, Bette Bouffe.
The policy is hoped to speed through patient processing and efficiently serving all the victims of COVID and maybe normal medical issues with less unpleasant opinions and violations of Newspeak 11th Edition.
When asked why less Doctors and Nurses is better, the WHO and National/local Medical Officials seem to repeat, “Less twitter controversy, means less push notifications, meaning less hassles for us.”
It should especially be improved in places like this, while suffering brain drains.
BEIJING, CA – In a surprise announcement Disney has announced a new policy that they think will make Concentration Camps more inclusive and twitter friendly.
“We have demanded they take all our trouble makers,” said Disney President of their new Newspeak Dept, who identified as #2, continued, “instead of merely firing people for bad tweets, we’ll send them to our friends in China.”
According to Disney they believe that people weren’t so much offended by the concept of Concentration Camps, as they were the lack of diversity.
Walt Disney praised a regime himself that included all sorts of people weather Gay, Straight, Gypsy, Jewish or Catholic. So in their approximation it’s just a diversity issue.
ARKHAM, MA – Files released by a protected source has found that Preston and George Bush, had conspired with the Skull and Bones to rescue King Tut from the Asylum. “We aren’t able to say we did, but he is one our boys,” said a anonymous person close to Yale University Records.
Sure some may think this is a nonsense conspiracy theory, but lets remember one thing, this implicates Republicans, they cause conspiracy, they don’t find it according to experts.
“We are reluctant to apply this to members of the Lincoln Project, but they no longer serve our uses,” says anonymous expert.
Tut currently rests in an unknown location on campus.
The Dean refused to comment.
ICOYCREIM, VT – Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield announced a new flavor of Ice Cream for the Black Community, to support Black Lives. “Yo Mamma’s Diabetes.”
Lacking in puns and humor, because as Cohen and Greenfield said, “This is no laughing matter, black people are dying and they should be buying our Ice Cream in large quantities.”
They figure the BLM mantra along with the enticing Grape Chips will ensure to bring trust in the Black Market to help the White Leftist cause of profiting off of it.
“Capitalism is evil, burn it all down,” said the duo, in hopes of selling more of what they are now calling Protest Cream. “We welcome looting, just pay our stuff,” they continued.
WASHUDUBAPRESSURE, DC – Joe Biden releases his points for his sweeping gun control executive order to bypass the deadly constitution and legislative process.
Within it includes huge provisions specifically against Veteran Dog Faced Pony Soldiers from owning guns.
The sweeping non-legislation would automatically red flag any Pony Solider who might have a face resembling a dog.
“This is an outrage,” said McGruff a veteran Pony Soldier and Dog Faced Criminologist, “we have rights to bear arms and not to be discriminated against because of our appearance.” He went on say he wishes he was Biden’s dog in the shower.
Later he thought about it, and stated after thinking of reasons why the dog was in the shower had changed his mind.
CARLETON, ON – The Carleton Liberal Party of Canada Constituency Association, not only made this a run on sentence, but accused the “Oil Sands Strong” lobby Logo to be “Racist.” Over using a solidarity fist.
“It’s not consistent with Canadian values, and it’s not consistent with ours, and will do all we can to ensure everyone share ours,” said the Carleton Liberal President.
“Just think of the Progress, the Liberal Party stands for,” said CA spokesman, “think of our own PM, who has fought racism all his life.”
The Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, and Federal Liberal leader, seen above fighting for civil rights.
This isn’t the first time they’ve done this, last year, a Lesbian Group started up using a Fist for it’s logo.
MINNIAPOLI…FUCKHOWDOYOUSPELLTHAT, MN – As the Prosecution continues it’s case as Jerry Blackwell calls his latest witness, Criminology Professor Sima N. Tycks, PHD of Minneap….Minniemo…..Minniap….oh fuck what ever…University.
In questioning Blackwell asked, “Ms Sima, did you review the videos,” Ms Sima responded, “yes,” which Blackwell asked, “In any of these videos, did the Officer ever say “Simon Says,”?” Ms Sima responded, “No.”
The Prosecution asked if this is common procedure and Ms. Sima responded, “No.”
Later the defense returned fire asking Ms Sima if she would have any reason to think he had not said “Simon Says” had she not reviewed the video.
She answered with, “No I would not.”
I am not saying Chauvin is guilty, I am not saying not saying “Simon Says” when ordering George Floyd is racist, I am just saying the witness did not say this.
On “Minds+”: https://www.minds.com/newsfeed/1227929008694165504?referrer=TheBlackJester
LYPSERV, CA – DC Comics, announced a remake of Knightfall for the modern day. “Bane is the hero against the rich killer of dreams Batman,” said a Youtube Rumormonger who is praised with a 10% accuracy level, high for Youtube.
It is also stated that they will change the narrative to make the whole backdrop and plot a “Peaceful Protest,” where Bane uses DC’s most misunderstood heroes to wear down The Bat.
Also included is turning the one back girl scene from a scene where she takes down the Riddler’s men into her scissoring her girlfriend on the roof. Allowing his men to escape with the money rightfully owed to them by the small business they robbed.
The Joker and Scarecrow are only merely working at getting the Mayor to heroically piss his pants and defund the police in entirety.
We don’t want to spoil the ending but Jean-Paul Valley marries Tim with Spoiler in tears and later stoned to death for her clear homophobia.
MT. KILAJU, AUSTRIA – Pfizer announced a new ground breaking treatment to a party of medical professionals at a Resort in the Alps. An events, as explained by Pfizer officials, is “totally not a free vacation to bribe any unethical medical professionals.”
This newly announced product was “Flinstones Chewable Vaccines.”
“This will be weapon in the war against COVID, that will be fun for the kids,” said a chalky fanged executive, “We are dying to release this, and we will have Trudeau family members at speaking engagements if we need to get there.”
This is likely to be released as an experiment before AstraZeneca’s rumored Vaccine Gummies.
Plans to end all teaching positions are in place if parents refuse to buy the product en masse.
ZENILE, ACNH – At Midnight, Quebec Police upped the ante boldly discovering an attempt at starting a Super Spreader event on Animal Crossing: New Horisons.
At 8PM on April 1st, 8 Players were alleged to manage an online game sessions, some may have been villager players from the Island.
The Montréal Police went online as Booker and his Partner, Copper, and raided the party.
Montréal Mayor Valérie Plante said in an interview, “We have to put an end to enjoyment everywhere, even the virtual.” Citing various studies tying basic human enjoyment to COVID19.
Some players claim the Mayor was kicked off their Islands for digging up their hybrids, but this can’t be confirmed.
SWAMPINGTON, DC – Unnamed Sources close to the FBI, have stated that Matt Gaetz bought a Pizzaria in Washington DC, and have even shown proof in the above photo, they claim, “is totally not photoshopped any way.”
The FBI has been investigating with BlueAnon, in an effort to make sure “nothing shady is happening there.”
When explaining no record of a Matt Gaetz is owning a Pizzaria, the FBI source said, sources close to his family said he bought it in another name.
They went on to say, “We aren’t saying he trafficked anything there,” “just we aren’t saying it can’t be proven nothing was.”
When asked if they plan on letting go the investigation, they said, “Maybe if we get enough Nook Tickets.” “We aren’t saying he has to have them,” they continued.
Note: We are not claiming #PizzaGaetz Is Real, just that accusations exists, and questions must be made.
WORLDWIDE – Governments from B.C. to N.Y., To the Biden White House and UK and so on have announced a new mask mandate, this mandate would be keyed to new recommendations from experts, don’t ask us “what experts” or “what makes them experts,” or why they are “more of an expert than someone banned on youtube,” just accept the authority behind the gun, behind the expert.
The new standard is meant to make people caught without a common cloth mask or counter indicated masks. A way to make it up to society.
The new mask includes a large metal frame caging the face with a wheel like entry point containing a rat. Built by Room 101 Industries.
HORGANSLAWN, BC – On a bold move a crotchety boomer, John Horgan; Premier of British Columbia, came out on his lawn.
Shaking a stick he yelled at young people to get off his lawn and to stop super spreading all over the place.
“You crazy kids are ruining my plans,” yelled an orate John Horgan, “how dare you enjoy a day of your life!”
Horgan is concerned that by ignoring the rules his Government imposed without laws, like a Monarchy, they will cause shut in Elderly they are no where near will die. Forcing more draconian rules.
“We shut down and demand masks to stop those young wiper-snappers from spreading the disease where they don’t associate,” ranted Horgan.
Mike Horgan interjected with a usual Tourette syndrome speech saying, “Those damn young idiots penis headed fools are ruining my Bingo sessions!”
Will they just get off the lawn, only time will tell.
BEIJINGWOOD, CA – In a thrilling announcement Marvel has put forward an early view of promotional titles and posters for China’s release of The Falcon and Winter Soldier. In an attempt to be more inclusive and satisfy Beijing’s delicate tastes.
“Disney didn’t want to make the mistake with that guy in Star Wars,” said the spokesman for Marvel, Wightney Blanc, “We didn’t want to offend The Chairman, nor put off western twitter users.”
Basically as seen above, they put The Falcon more prominently on the poster, but named it Winter Soldier II in Chinese, in case they were worried certain folks would be a main part of the movie.
Also including a hint that the Winter Soldier would be ahead of the pecking order.
Chairman Xi was asked about it, and all he gave was a nod. We guess, we haven’t heard from our stringer, a profoundly anti-communist, and to think he was up for promotion.
POINTGREY, VANCOUVER, BC – Seth Rogen announced his new brand of weed vaguely called “House Plant,” which could only be mass produced, as a “House Plant” on a small mansion in Shaughnessy in Point Grey.
“I wanted a Weed that can make people tweet like me, and forget how horrible Green Hornet was,” said Rogen who goes on, “I think we did it.”
The plan is select California Distribution now. When probed further as to why a clear Factory operation would be called “House Plant,” he responded in a hostile manner asking if “I was a Jew” and saying “I am an idiot,” later when I asked why he wanted to know I was a Jew.
This has made sense when his landmark products were “SS Kush” and “Name The Jew Skunk” as well as a plan to push “Hammer Haze.”
WELLVILLE, GA – Coca Cola announced a ground breaking plan to help people be less white, by removing all Miracle Whip Jars from Employee Mini Refrigerators.
“We have discovered that people become too white when doing things like eating Miracle Whip and cutting the crusts off their sandwiches,” said a company spokesperson, “the latter was also banned in our businesses.”
When asked if Velveeta was also being removed he said they didn’t want to put white people into total shock.
Other moves have been to institute the mandatory use of Louisiana Hot Sauce.
The Coca Cola CEO, James Quincey, a very white man, is of course immune to the policy.
Makers of Shasta, Colt, and Pepsi were not available to make a statement, and makers of Jolt Cola have were found hung in their office.
OBEYUS, BC – Dr. Bonnie Henry [BC Health and Truth Authority] announced today that, it being very hard to apply tactics to make people compliant for the two weeks she asked for, strained about people finding God’s word more important than her own, has found an old fashioned technique to solve the problem.
“LIONS!” she yells at a meeting with Minister Dix and Farnworth with Premier Horgan.
They all repeat the word in a question. She responds with “Yes, Lions.” “Feed the Christians to the Lions,” she went on, “This will stop masses, and will continue our 2 weeks toward straightening the curve.”
The 2 weeks however are leading into an anniversary. In fact it may become a National Holiday.
The courts have yet to rule on the old fashioned use of lions to gain Christian Compliance. Although it can have a long term Streisand Effect.
California Governor Gavin Newsom and NY Mayor De Blasio have praised as what they call the most brilliant and innovative idea, kicking themselves for not thinking of it. “Best I came up with was putting Jews on trains,” said De Blasio.
DUBAI, UAE – As soon as the news got out that a princess was captured and held against her will in Dubai, a pattern was beginning to form, at least to a leading Crypto-Herpetologist and Criminal Profiler, known as Police Captain Toad.
“We must find a Plumber at once!” exclaimed the oddly squishy man, “this is obviously the doing of Bowser Koopa Sr, the real Sultan of Dubai.”
Many were skeptical, but he insists it’s a pattern that’s gone on for about 35 years.
Oddly enough some strange Frog-like looking man in a crown has been seen putting the world’s plumbers to sleep, the Captain is unsure if it’s related by it sounds familiar.
GIJGWERK, ZUID-HOLLAND, NL – If anyone was confused as for what reason on the face of the earth would they merge Wayne’s World with Cardi B, the confusion will be over.
In an press release Uber’s Uber Eat’s Department had announced it’s new Wet Ass Pussy delivery service.
You pick the girl, they deliver her, and she robs you to pay your bill.
“Hey men are lonely for that companionship during COVID, and we plan to take advantage of that the same way we did with fast food.” said Uber Spokesman, Pim P. Stom.
Not only stocks rose during the announcement, since they planned to launch it for Spring Break. Portland customers can also expect a whole basket of drugs with complimentary Cocaine.
SWAMPINGTON, DC – Rep. David Cicilline of Rhode Island, exposed Trump with damning evidence in the photo above as he explained his urine trails of bravery at the impeachment trial.
“It was horrible Trump was carried in leading his mob into the capital,” said Cici (for short). He went on, “The Trump Mob came after us, like they had words to say!” “Words are violence!”
“See this picture,” (above) he insisted, “it proves Trump was there leading the mob,” He also claimed Nazi was a racial slur, I can only assume towards guards and police who are of German and South American dissent.
His case for conviction was only solidified by this statement on that day, Jan 6th 2021. “I am asking for everyone at the U.S. Capitol to remain peaceful. No violence! Remember, WE are the Party of Law & Order – respect the Law and our great men and women in Blue. Thank you!” – Donald J Trump
I that call to violence matters to anyone, they will vote to convict.
BUBBLEVILE, MA – David Hogg unveils his pillow precision and woke timing, claiming his team invented a material that doesn’t leave bite marks. “This is totally 100% LGBT friendly, it leaves no bite marks,” he said believing this was important.
He also claims if your like him and pegged, it will still work.
According to Hogg, Vice President Kamala Harris will be moving forward in ensuring fair Prison Labor, when asked if they are under a Union he said, “A kind of Union.”
“Harris, being well known for organizing prison labor, will no doubt ensure a fair future for everyone involved,” said Hogg.
SWAMPINGTON, DC – Trump Lawyer Bruce Castor Jr was accused of employing germ warfare during the Impeachment trial. “It was horrible, they were trying to kill me,” said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, “It was a plot by Trump and Cruz.”
When asked about it Senator Cruz said, “Dude just beefed.”
DC Police were called to investigate, and they discovered that Senate Page for Cruz that very evening bought a lot of beans, however Cruz’s official statement stated that he was going to make a Texas Chilly. AOC said it was suspicious, having stated that “Con carne is not a real word.”
“We had to crack open all the windows, while I hid in the bathroom, it was horrible,” she went on while our stringer was talking to someone else.
THESWAMP, DC – In a huge unprecedented announcement all of both houses have launched articles of impeachment against each other. “Pelosi might become President one day,” said McConnell sighting succession, “Ocasio-Cortez could end up President,” shouts Rand Paul sighting the word “communist.” “Gabbard might go for it again,” shouted AOC, sighting Putin’s name and the word “Consort.” Not calling Gabbard one, she [AOC] was actually invited to a Concert later that day. Detected by our stringer when the context of “Zamfir Consort” was detected.
The Representatives and Senate are launching claims across the Isle with both sides agreeing on Masse and Paul more than most.
“This is excellent,” said Joe Bishop of the Libertarian National Committee, “When they impeached a former President, we knew justice would be done, by making them all impeachable.”
The only question remains, how many Senators and House Members will be around to vote and prosecute them.
AUTHORITIVESOURCE, CA – In the latest announcement Twitter’s new branded group Cyberia Media has agreed to a consortium with big tech like Facebook and possibly Google (unconfirmed) into the INGSOCIAL Media Group Consortium. Currently both ingsoc.app and ingsoc.me link to both.
Jack Dorsey had said, in relation to the move, “We must keep the right discussion going, with the right opinions,” as he spoke to the council of 5 at Illuminati HQ at the old Capital Records building.
How will this work? Well experts say it would be wise to short their stock.
HAPPYACRES, NY – From the care home, Kamala Harris picked out, in New York, just after the Electoral College voted for one Candidate either way, handing Biden victory, he announces a new plan. Inspired by Warren G Harding, is a Tea Pot Dome Complex. HUD housing built as Tea Pots. Or as he put it, “Shabadu Ahbudaula Do Da.”
“I will be the most successful re-election since Harding,” said Biden. Harding, who died in office, was an Orphan and Newspaper Mogul, who had shady deals with crony capitalists tied to his White House career. The first two things have nothing to do with Joe Biden.
People are questioning it structurally unsound and with foundations as strong as electronic voting. He is, however, quite determined to build his own Tea Pot Dome.
VANDERZALM, BC – Today is a Historic event, when Trudeau went to “Coevorden Castle,” a Historic Day Care Centre with a Man Dressed as Sinta Klass or Sintaklass, insisting in offering his services as Zwarte Piet for “diversity” sake.
It was originally not deemed necessary.
“We need more representation,” said the PM, “This is totally not another excuse to be in black face.”
People were excited to see the Prime Minister shouting something about a cist, perhaps a health care matter.
There were also detractors who we ignored as cranks. The same people offended at the Liberals who opened
a Restaurant to fund raise, with a sign outside saying “No Shirt, No Shoe Polish, No Service.”
“This is Canada,” said a Liberal Spokesman, “All cultures joining together angry at a politician, they helped put in charge.”
Sintaklass was based on Sainted Bishop from Turkey, who spoke against Racial hatred (Aryanism) at the Council of Nice (Pronounced niece).
DIXLAND, BC – Today we are in the presence of a recent Patient, some would say survivor of Dr. Bonnie Henry’s recent medical care, Penn Seihl. He has come forward with damning statements about the torment he suffered under Dr. Henry.
Q: So you spoke of vile treatment, explain a day in her office.
A: It’s horrible, we all arrive in a case, one after the other go in to see her, and none come back.
Q: You never saw any of the others again?
A: No! It was frightening.
Q: So when it was your turn, what happened?
A: What didn’t? I was grinded into a short version of my self, forced to write her endless paper work, she even…uh…uh….
Q: Yes, she did what?
A: She….uh…chewed on me…
Q: Is that all?
A: No I use to have a fine solid bottom, and she rubbed it out of existence every time a mistake was made.
Q: How ever did you get away?
A: I rolled off the table, and kept rolling, a rat pulled me out and dropped me in a field, I passed out on the journey, I just woke up outside.
Well there you have it, an example of the state of Dr. Henry’s current practice. It just goes to show, you can push a pencil too hard. May you be treated better at your appointment.
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