Warren G. Gortex
"Same Old Shit Different Candidate"

W.G. Gortex:
Profile of a Champion

The following speech is the culmination of hundreds of 
billions of votes and represents what all of America wants 
from its leader, Warren Gamaliel Gortex.
Once the users answered a short survey detailing their 
candidate's standing on the issues, our state-of-the-art 
software generated a platform speech based on their answers 
(shown in bold).

My fellow Americans, I thank you from the bottom of my 
heart for your faith in me. When I was just a little boy 
from a magical forest, I never thought that I might stand 
up here as your choice to lead this great nation forward into 
the next millennium. But here I am. And I won't disappoint you.
Because even when I was just a little tike, I knew that what 
America needed was a commitment to integrity, fortitude and moral 
courage. I knew that then. And I know that now. That's why I've 
devoted my entire life to amend the Constitution to require 
massive dosages of gamma radiation to be administered to all 
newborns nationwide in a quest to create a mutant superhero to 
protect us from evil, a position that has drawn fire from my 
adversaries. You see, I am not afraid of standing up for what I 
believe in. I am not afraid of standing up for what's right. And 
I am most certainly not afraid of going naked before the Senate 
Judiciary Committee, no matter what anybody might have told you.
That's because I was raised by a broken family that was so abusive 
that the pain can only be eased by endless, anonymous sexual encounters 
in park restrooms . They taught me well. And the good, decent family 
values that were inculcated then, stood me in good stead when I was 
the best damn third grade class treasurer that Mr. Keplinger ever 
saw. Not a day goes by when I don't thank them for making me what 
I am today. But there are those who would cloud the true issues of 
reasoned debate with a storm of rumors and innuendo. These "honorable 
men" would say, without any foundation except an obviously doctored 
videotape, that Warren Gamael Gortex worships the devil and is 
addicted to IRC teen chat rooms. Nonsense. I categorically deny these 
baseless allegations. These same men would try to bilk America with 
loose talk of an unusually close relationship I have with a 
surprisingly ugly college intern.
But despite the smoke and mirrors of these "honorable men," one must 
never lose sight of the issues. My feelings on the issues are well 
known. When it comes to foreign policy, I have made my position clear 
on numerous occasions - we must appease, appease, appease.  This is 
entirely consistent with my views on gun control. I saw the movie "Red 
Dawn." The last line of defense begins at home.  The only way anyone 
will ever take my gun away from me is when they pry it out of my cold, 
dead hand. When it comes to domestic issues like social security, no 
one questions my deep desire to treat the elderly like kings at the 
expense of our children.  No one questions my belief that legalizing 
marijuana for medical purposes would make me look forward to cold and 
flu season.   No one questions my position for government funding of 
the arts. If someone wants to stick a whip up their bumhole, I say not 
on my dollar, Mister! People, I let you know where I stand.
Of course, I am not completely without political savvy. I know that sometimes 
compromises have to be made. That's why when I meet someone who's anti-abortion 
I won't discuss the fact that I am so sure a fetus isn't a person that I'd eat 
one in an omelet.  As a savvy politician, I hold my tongue on the issue of 
abortion, biding my time until I can nominate some Supreme Court Justices 
who will throw out the trimester system and allow women to have post-natal 
abortions up until the age of 7. Let's get down to the business of killing 
some babies. But do not think that because I am politician that I am immoral. 
No, no. I am a moral man. "Out" magazine devoted several pages to my well-known 
admiration for practitioners of man on man love. Even in the face of strong 
opposition, I have worked tirelessly to ensure that while in school our young 
people worship no God other than the God of Commerce, Mammon. I have remained 
one hundred percent steadfast in my belief that there should be more overpriced 
massive outdoor rock concerts that end in "-PALOOZA". As for campaign reform, 
I firmly believe that democracy is best served when it is open to everyone, 
including Mongval: demigod of ancient evil.
And I know that together we can overcome any obstacles that stand before us 
as a nation. For I do not stand up here on this podium alone.  Hardly. Seated 
in the audience are my wonderful wife, Candi, and my kids. They stand with me. 
Metaphorically, I mean. Heck, when I think of my wife, I can't help but smile. 
She has devoted so much of her time to public service with me. Indeed, she has 
shown me the power of a healthy dose of that good old American "can-do" spirit, 
and watching Candi's tireless efforts to focus national attention on the largely-
ignored, but vital, issue of determining whether her ass looks fat has been an 
inspiration to me. And I want to be an inspiration to America.  I think back 
on my University Days and the motto of my alma mater, Mandated by Law to Enroll 
You, and I realize that I'm not afraid to be a role model. I embrace it. I 
know I may have committed some childhood indiscretions. But after all, who 
among us hasn't fucked the entire third floor of a Girls' Dorm at Yale at 
least once in our lives? Now, older and wiser I only have one goal in mind. 
I want to create the kind of America where you know that the President is a 
good and decent person, just like you.  Where you know the President mows his 
own lawn, just like you.  Where you know the President greets visitors with a 
large tub  of KY by the door, just like you. So remember my campaign  slogan 
when you head to the polls: Same old shit, different President!. I'm Warren 
Gamaliel Gortex and I want to be your next President. Good night and God bless.


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